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Mother, May I?!

A vivid topic this past month was Mother’s day and as I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to close the month with deeper thoughts on our relationship with our moms. Mom is, probably, the most demanding job there is. We have discussed in the posts that we have a great number of expectations placed on mothers and when those expectations are not met, we become vocal.

Children, of all ages, hold their moms to an impossible standard of doing what they want at all times and giving up their lives to service, sacrifice, accommodate, behave, look, act, give, communicate in a way that a child sees fit. We see our moms as source of everything: love, warmth, understanding, support, etc. and we give no lee way. Sad as it is, it’s true and I am guilty of this just the same.

My relationship with my mom was probably the most controversial subject I have ever had to address. There was just so much of momentum already there. It was challenging to find the resolution because:

  • I was focused on the problem – mom has to change to accommodate me and make me feel better, and she has to stay in that way forever.

  • I didn’t understand where love comes from. Hence, I mistaken my disconnect with myself as my mom’s job to fix it.

  • I really pressed against the problem a lot and with great force. I didn’t like something and was so adamant about fixing it, making it better, somehow, but all it got me was more of the same and worse.

  • I didn’t have access to anything better than where I was and because of the effort I was applying to get to a better place, I made things worse.

Words are cheap. Feeling your way to a better feeling place is what works. It works through meditation and conscious awareness of the thought patterns in relation to the subject; the story that is being told over and over again. If you listen to it, you will hear why you can’t get to resolution.

The lesson that is loud and clear is that the only relationship you, I and all of us have control over is with ourselves. Hence, there is only that relationship that can influence all the other relationships. The sooner this is processed and taken to heart, the sooner all those changes we wait, in this instance, from our moms will start showing up.

Inner work had made it possible for me to start looking at my mom with deep appreciation and to separate her, her being, her role, her life, her actions, her decisions, her desires from me. Why is this important? Because we are all individually capable, powerful, steady beings and we are creators of our experience.

For me, looking at my mom and making her responsible for how bad I feel every time she is not the way I want, or says something ridiculous in my opinion, or is not hip enough or her not being something else that I wanted her to be, was a struggle of many years that took me to my knees - emotionally. I hated myself for feeling this way towards the person that I really loved and at the same time I was so angry with her for not changing in the name of love! If she loved me the way I want, she would do it, I thought. It was mental hell, emotional drainage and an all-together a huge failure of my life. I was so aware of how it’s making me weak and exhausted, and defensive, and how I resist any mending or openness of the relationship, and all of this is described with the worst possible feeling – helplessness or powerlessness. Wishing for change that you think is dependent on another person who has no plans to be any different for you or anyone else, and going absolutely crazy over it, especially if it’s your own mom.

There was nothing horrible in my childhood, maybe a regular number of things I was displeased with and issues but the result of the way I approached it was complete a-strange-ness from my own mom. Physically I was present (well we live in different parts of the world, so virtually, in a sense) to talk on the phone every day, to cover all the expenses and make sure they have enough of everything and live a comfortable retirement etc but emotionally I could not have been further away. What a terrible position to be in. Energetically, this is suicide because there is nothing worse than doing something you hate or dislike or have mixed feelings about. Split energy creates resistance like you wouldn’t believe and this resistance is everything that spots you from having what you want. So, on top of feeling extremely uncomfortable and sad, you also place yourself in a bind that is digging your discomfit deeper and deeper.

This work is on-going for me, but it has gotten to such a serene place that makes me extremely happy and emotional. This relationship has been so important to me that I can’t find the words, to be honest because when I was little, I could not breathe without my mom present in my immediate view. I loved her so much that nothing could ever make me feel what I have been feeling during my later years. I was her biggest fan, supporter and protector since the very beginning and my view of her was pure perfection. Becoming disillusioned of that was painful and my childish behavior of refusing to address my own stand on this didn’t help. I am relieved that everything has changed, and the relationship could develop into what it is – fresh, new, unbiased, raw experience that my mom and I are building and developing one day at a time. As I think of my mom today, I think of appreciating her because of this:

  • I learned what unconditional love was. My mom never wavered in being who she is to make me feel better. At the same time, my mom ALWAYS loved me, was always kind to me, was always gentle and loving the way she could.

  • I was given full independence. No one made me believe I could or supposed to depend/rely on them.

  • I was free to make choices and make my life happen regardless of how she felt. I was a professional athlete since I was 8 years old, my career was over at 18, I did my BA in a different city which means I was out of the house at 16. At 20, I moved to United States. It’s hard for me to imagine how it impacts a mom to free her child completely and let her live the way she wants while not being able to even touch her for 8 years straight because I don’t have children, but I do know how it feels to be a child in this situation. To never have that one person you want to lean on, too be supported by, to be hugged by, to be guided by. Both positions are not ideal if you look at it this way. They are ideal, though, if you understand that everything you want is coming from your connection with your source. Not from your mom or you kid. Being able to work on that relationship because of all the events elevates both you and the relationship to amazing new levels.

  • I was never once addressed in demeaning manner; my mom had no unkind words to say to me. I was very unkind, at times, in the way I spoke to her and the way I thought about her. I simply could not find one thing to be happy about and insisted on her owing me good treatment. My mom, on the other hand, never criticized me once.

  • I found a way to get what I wanted without my mom and free her from any responsibility.

  • I found clarity on why I couldn’t get passed what I was going through and feeling hurt, abandoned, misunderstood, and not supported.

I leave you with this: Shift cannot happen if you keep seeing the solution as someone else changing – mom in this case. You will forever be upset and unhappy if you keep waiting for her to do what you want. Shift will happen when you have less resistance on the way. Non-resistant thought will bring clarity; will bring relief. Relief comes from complete understanding that the only way you can get what you want is through alignment with your inner being. There is no other way. So, mom, dad, bro, sis, uncles or whoever – you are your only solution. Moms reading this – to not lose track of what this is all about, I want to thank you for being a mom, for standing by us, for giving us life and just for making the world a better place. We, children, love you very much!

Helpful Resources:

🔗 4 Steps to Invincibility and to take control of your life:

🔗 Simple Guide To Creating The Life You Want:


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